Experts Say Parents Should Stop Saying ‘Good Girl/Boy’ To Their Kids, Parents Disagree

There’s so much uncertainty in parenting in 2024, thanks to information overload, but one thing’s for sure: you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.

A study came out this week advising parents not to use “good girl/boy” when praising their children, and … that’s it. I’m officially done.

No disrespect to the researchers and experts, but enough is enough. Stop now. thank you

“It can raise issues of self-esteem and identity”

Here’s the gist of what the experts say:

Don’t say “good girl” or “good boy” as it can raise issues about gender identity and self-esteem.

She also doesn’t give the kids clear feedback on what they did to earn such praise, apparently.

Don’t brag, because of that old chestnut of self-esteem mentioned earlier.

But don’t overdo it either, lest your child turn into a narcissistic hole.

Recent research suggests that inflated praise – e.g. using words such as “incredible”, “amazing” and “wonderful” can foster narcissistic traits by giving children an unrealistic sense of their own competence.

Constant praise is also a no-no and can mean that children subconsciously think they are doing things for the adults’ approval, rather than for themselves.

It can be bad for self-regulation and sense of identity, experts say.

So we give kids the silent treatment??

“Glorifying the process” is apparently what we’re going for here, folks.

It is informative, giving children feedback on their efforts and strategies to achieve an outcome.

In other words, what you want to say to your child is, “I can see you tried hard in that athletic competition, Jimmy,” instead of, “You’re a winner, son!”

That’s how they rated me in the 90s

Looking back on my childhood, I wonder if my mom and dad thought HOW they praised me?

All I know is that if I got a hug after a clarinet performance or a running carnival at school where I came last, that was enough for me.

If there was a “well done, honey” even afterwards – well, that was icing on the cake.

Honestly, I think that in many ways, our generation of parents is making a rod for our backs. Overthinking things. Complicating things. And the bigger picture is missing.

There’s no doubt that praise reinforces positive behaviors – psychologists have been telling us since the 1950s, and in our family, we see it firsthand.

When my son does something nice for his little sisters, I’m the first to say, “very thoughtful, honey.”

Or when my daughter colors a surprise picture for me, of course I want to make her feel familiar and special by saying, “wow – that’s beautiful, baby!”

What I don’t want to do is overanalyze the language I use when I say those things.

I wonder… have I praised you properly, Fatboy Slim style?

And what kind of unconscious messages did I communicate through that praise?

For me, praising my children is not a scientific measurement with the right dose of X and a point of Z to come up with a desired result.

Saying a kind word to my children is a simple thing that comes from the heart. End of story.